Our correspondent speaks to some married Nigerians on what they would do if their partners detest going on outings with them.
I have no problem with it
Mrs Rose Ume
First and foremost, I would have to find out who my spouse is. Did I marry an introvert or an extrovert? Most introverts like staying on their own while extroverts are outgoing. If my spouse is an introvert, sometimes it might not be a dislike. It might just be that he really doesn’t like being in crowded places. I will assume that is his kind of person. If he is an extrovert and I know that he likes going out, but when it comes to attending events with me he doesn’t like it, I need to find out what the problem is. Some people are actually battling with self-esteem and it could affect everything they do. As long as my spouse doesn’t stop me from attending the events, I don’t have a problem. I will enjoy myself to the fullest and return home. But if my spouse won’t allow me to attend the event, that is bondage because I am an outgoing person. I can’t be an introvert just because I married one. That is where spouses need to understand each other.
I’ll work on my looks
As a man and an introvert who does not really fancy attending social functions, I won’t consider it a big deal if she doesn’t like attending events with me. This would have been known during courtship. If that is what she wants, it wouldn’t be an issue at all since that is who she is. But if I get to know that she dislikes attending events with me after marriage, the first thing to do is to ascertain the rationale behind that. A lot of factors may be responsible for that, because a woman that loves me well and is proud of having a cute man like me (chuckles) will not dislike being seen with me in public. One of the reasons may be that I’m not fashionable enough. You know, women love men that are cute, presentable and could really match up with them. If this is the case, I will just have to work on my looks to always appear moderately dressed and presentable enough for her. That will give me the confidence to hold hands with her in public and appear to her as a man that I really am.
I’d dress sexily to go alone
There are two things involved if my spouse dislikes attending events with me. It is either he doesn’t like me or he is unfaithful to me. No man will dislike going out with his wife if he loves her. It is obvious that he is not proud of me. In that case, I will make sure that I look my best. I will erase any negative opinion about him, go out, enjoy myself to the fullest and return home. He cannot be an obstacle to my happiness. He has no right to make me unhappy. By the time I go out once or twice looking sexy, he will have a rethink.
I’d attend events alone
Recently, I engaged my partner about her reaction towards attending events with me. Oftentimes, she feels inconvenient whenever there is an event we should attend together, especially crucial ones that I can’t afford to miss. She prefers to stay back while I attend alone or prevent me from attending. I observed that the case isn’t the same if it was to be her alone attending. She seems to enjoy it solo. Having known that, I decided to attend events alone and in some cases once she’s not willing to attend and ask me to stay back too I oblige her.
I’d address the cause
If my spouse doesn’t like attending events with me, I will address the cause first. It might be that my appearance is not appealing enough. I would change and dress in a way that is suitable for the event. But if there is no tangible reason why he chooses not to go with me, then I would simply ignore him and go for ladies hangout and make myself happy. Basically, I would choose and do things that make me happy. Self love is the key.
I’d show her more love
A liberal man would want to go through the route of analysing his wife to pinpoint the root of her dislike for attending events with him. While the ‘mighty’ patriarch would want to bully her into shifting her position and succumbing to his will. Analysing and bullying her are both futile, for they hardly capture the feminine’s essence in social dynamics. If my spouse falls into such a category, I will simply assume that she isn’t loved enough by me, hence her lack of interest in being by my side at events. Personally, it isn’t a question of whether she doesn’t love me, but rather, she is not loved enough by me. The amazing thing is that most women’s emotional problems stem from feeling unloved by their spouse. So standing back and analysing her, like a doctor diagnosing a patient, or like a therapist questioning a client, is a waste of time. Instead I will give her my love immediately and unmistakably. I will walk up to her, look deeply into her eyes, hold her, tell her how much I love her, smile, hum her favourite song and dance with her. Chances are that her emotional problem will evaporate.
I can’t force him
I don’t see reasons why my spouse should dislike attending events with me. But if he insists on not going out with me, there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot force him to go with me. However, when he has an event and he wants me to attend, I will not go with him either. Let him also feel the pain of not accompanying him to the event.
I might go out with another woman
If my wife dislikes attending events with me, I would not be happy about it because I always love to be going to events with my wife. I would have to let her know how I feel about it. If the situation continues, I will let her know that I shall keep away my ring whenever I am going to any event she is not attending with me and that I might be going with somebody else. I am sure with these few plans of mine she would start adjusting.
He must give me valid reason
There must be a valid reason for my spouse not wanting to attend events with me. And if he does not have any valid reason, then we need to talk extensively about it and come to a reasonable agreement. I won’t just take it just like that if he says he doesn’t like to attend events with me. There should be a reason for his decision and I would like to know it. If we both need to make some adjustments, we will talk it through.
I’d persuade her
I am a socially-inclined person. I want my spouse in the same space or meet me halfway. If my spouse does not like to attend events with me, I would persuade her. The benefit of this inseparable bond is limitless. For instance, I believe that such would further stimulate our bonding and strengthen our marital personalities in terms of public appearances. Because friendship is the lifelong oxygen of a successful marriage, doing things together, including attending public events together with one’s spouse will make this goal a reality. Going out together would mean that she accepts me and is proud of me and wants the world to see us together. I would convince her to let us attend events together.
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